Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
This made me chuckle.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.