I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy