Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Europe. Made in Germany.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
the answer was staring at me all along
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.