“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.