Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
You Might Also Like
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
You are not alone 💚
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”