Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.