Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Well, this explains it:
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.