Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.