of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
You Might Also Like
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.