I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
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No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up