The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.