This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.