Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat