*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired