-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Just a phase…
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Digital security in Ancient Troy