waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Autocorrect is my menesis
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.