Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
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pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss