I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand