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Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
asking santa clause for nudes
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Google Pay be like:
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.