Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
IT’S-A ME,
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.