[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.