her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.