Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
This one’s “Alex”.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself