[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Are you ok, human???
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.