Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.