Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Easy enough.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
When can I start eating bats again.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches