I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Jupiter