U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father