Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
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[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god