i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
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what’s the point then??
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”