I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
is this a threat
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes