If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
He’s dead
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”