Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
not to brag, but mine was free
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
#Caturday
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
They also CAN sing✌️