I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.