I think they could have phrased this better
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Wikigenius
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things