I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I wish I could veto my bills.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that