Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: