ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A Match(.com), but for socks.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Self-cleaning conscience
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m giving up ice.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.