1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice