i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.