Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Where’s my employee discount too?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.