I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.