[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.