Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.