Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Who knew!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?