2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now