My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on