I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.