I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
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The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
screw you
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.