Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
You Might Also Like
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I’m Sold!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too